We are 1 planet floating around 1 sun in a universe of trillions of suns--many with their own planets, and this is only as much as technology can tell us thus far. It's hard to imagine what future generations will discover. If those people from centuries ago etching words into a tablet could watch me type, they'd be amazed, then pissed they did all that hard work when people in the future will do in seconds what probably took them a week! haha.
When I try to pick up the subject of "LIFE" in my mind, I only realize it can't really be "picked up." What an odd sensation. What I mean is, there is so much mystery, so many unanswered (or possibly unanswerable questions), that all we can do is be awe-struck for an indefinite period of time... then go on with the next task, hobby, etc--Continue on living, even though we may not understand what we're really doing or why we're doing it (I mean the truth or meaning of our lives---if truth and meaning even exist is another question!--but we can't sit around until we get an answer or we'll die).
What a frustrating life it must be for a philosopher at times, living to explore lifes deepest questions, and I'm sure--at least faintly--hoping for questions to be answered and most of the most intriguing questions are not answered, at least usually not to the utmost satisfying extent. At times I've felt I'm only living to find meaning, but to find meaning I must live/survive (and to live, I have to do things that are only a means to the end, but not the end, like working a 9 to 5 or having a waffle in the morning). I wish it were so easy as taking a bite into a delcious waffle and having the meaning of life pop up before me.
Or do I wish that?
At this point in my life, I am humbled. Humbled about what I thought I knew, humbled about what can possibly be known. I believe I don't know/can't know what to believe, don't believe others should assume they know or be so certain with so little knowledge of what existense is. Is God's favorite color red or blue? If you really think you can answer that question with certainty, you have knowledge most do not, or you are extremely arrogant.
So like I was saying, whenever I try to "pick up" the subject of life in my mind, I fall into a sea of mystery, an endless abyss where there are no walls, no floor and no ceiling. It's a mission in which I make no progress, or if I do make progess, I have no measuring stick to measure it.
It's in the eye of the beholder.
Most people, like I once was, are afraid of death. I really don't think I am any more. The idea of death doesn't scare me, it just makes me sad, if there is no after-life, I won't be able to experience anymore of the good times I experienced while I was alive. No more sunsets, no more people I love, no more music, no more family... I'm tearing up just thinking about it.
On the other hand, no more stressing about where I'm going sleep or what I'm going to eat, or stressing about being too stressed out, which may cause my lungs to collapse again. No more manual labor or controlling bosses. No more hurting the ones I love, and being hurt by them. NO MORE DMV!!! YES! Death knock on my door right now!
WAIT..
I just got carried away on what I WON'T miss when I die. haha
Now that I'm in a place of (greater) humility, of admitting my uncertainty, of realizing that whether I'm scared or not, sad or not, I probably shouldn't duck my head in a hole, and I'd rather not make up beliefs in my head, or try to convince others my fantasies and dreams are true... just so I can sleep easier at night. I tried that and it never brought the level of satisfaction and awe I experience as one who grabs life with both hands and screams "let's be real!" for better or worse.
I want to milk life for everything it has, every adventure, every sight, meet as many people as I can, conquor as many fears as I can, break as many records as I can, become famous, become forgotten, be rich and poor, walk on the moon, maybe even die as a science martyr and fly my spaceship at hyperspeed into the event horizon. Well, maybe not that last one, but I'm not ruling it out.
What I really can't fully understand is, as much as I feel free to make decisions, I still feel fear and uncertainty holding me back, curbing my decisions. Then I think, "But Brett, you realize there is nothing to fear, this life is temporary, and everyone winds up dead anyway." Really what is there to fear? I fear pain. Physical and emotional pain, other than that, I don't fear much. Is that really why I have skipped going to an acting audition? Is that really why I may not spark a conversation with a complete stranger? Fear of physical or emotional pain?? That can't be it. I'm not afraid the stranger is going to lash out and hit me, or break my heart. LOL. Maybe I'm just lazy.
Maybe my real enemy isn't fear, but LAZINESS.
Perhaps I need to focus more on this revelation that life is an adventure, a short glimpse, a puff of smoke... And for full enjoyment, one must breathe it in... even if that means getting off the damn couch. lol
Anybody know how to ignite your passion and keep it burning relentlessly? I could use some tips!
Sorry if you were hoping for an epic conclusion. I just had too many thoughts floating around in my brain, and I decided to spill some out in this white box. I know I'm the strange type that would enjoy reading these types of thoughts from somebody else, so that's why I decided to make it a public blog.
Hello 4am.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment